×Hates×
Random tests of which you don't even get marked on. Math. Loneliness. Liars. Hypocrites. People who talk behind people's backs. Vin Deseil. "Smurf Boy". Change.
×Feeks×
October 16, 2003 - 9:45 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Drive by Incubus]
Happy *Late* Seventeenth Birthday!
Yes, that's right. I'm offically Seventeen now. YEy! Only 364 days until I'm 18 and can FINALLy get my tattoo!
So, as a late birthday present, (well not really) I got to stay home today! Not as great as You would think. I mean, yeah, no school. Whopdido. I hate being sick, and I missed seeing everybody. Instead I got to read old diary entries, from this time last year. When me and Dahlen were going out, When me and Dahlen broke up. How funny I sound. Everything was funny, putting a smile on my face. THEN I got into the stuff from last Novemeber involving Him. Oh yes, the loathe and love of my life. What did I do upon reading these entries filled with loving words and praise of someone who at the time said he loved me. Well, my first thought was to rip the pages into tiny peices and burn them, but I couldn't find a lighter. Instead I sat in the corner and cried. I mean I BAWLED. But you know what I realized. We were over WAY before we broke up! I mean, In FEBUARY I wanted to Break up with him! I should have realized that it never would have lasted, and that's my fault.
Febuary was when I started to act weird. I use to snap on him, and get mad at him for no reason! I really was the one who ended our relationship, so I need to stop blaming him. I was bringing him down, so he needed to set me free otherwise he would have been as unhappy as I was. The only reason I didn't break up with him, and didn't want him to leave was because I hate change, and he was so comfy. I always knew he would be there for me, up to that point.
Man, why couldn't I have realized this before I went Bitch-of-the-year and pissed him off so much he won't ever talk to me anymore. Darnit.
Anyways, I'm so tired. And technically I have to go to school tomorrow and find out how much homework I'm going to be burdened with Tomorrow.
No fair.
~*~*~
October 09, 2003 - 10:20 p.m.
[Currently listening to: In The end by Linkin Park]
Okay, so been a couple of days. I don't know where to start. I got the role in a Christmas Carol I wanted, the ghost of christmas past. Ironic isn't it, consitering how badly I'm trying to forget my past.
Well today I did something that I had thought about for a long time. "He" got his ring back. I know, I know. You are probably thinking "It's been how long!?!" I should have done it a long time ago. I started wearing it again just a little while ago, right when I thought I was ready. I was wrong, and everytime I looked down at it, he face just came flashing threw my head.
That was why I finally decided to give it back. It may have been a tad mellowdramatic, but seriously, I couldn't go one more day. He'll get more use out of it then me anyway. He can give it to the person he really cares about, and thats what I want. That's what I always wanted. It wasn't that I didn't care. I mean that ring had more sentimental value then anything I've owned in my life, but it was just going to waste. This way, he has it back, and he obviously will get more use out of it then me.
Man, he probably just threw it in the garbage. It was a tad beat up since I kinda threw it out the window a couple times. That ring has gone through more crap then even I have. I feel bad.
Unfortunatly, I'm not feeling better yet. I don't know when I'm supose to start, but it better be soon, because if I have to care about seeing his face, or have one more dream about him, I will go insane. And cry. I'll cry for days. I already have, well hours. I don't know. I just feel like maybe I did the wrong thing. It was the one last thing I had that he had given me, and now I don't have that.
No.. I did the right thing. I know I did.
He's gone. He's never coming back. It's been like that since forever. No use on dwelling. I'm done dwelling. I'm moving on to another heartbreaking, Dawson's Creek worthy Moment of my life. Another guy to fall in love with, just so he can break my heart.
Night.
~*~*~
October 06, 2003 - 4:29 p.m.
[Currently listening to: I'm gonna be Alright by Jennifer Lopez]
Did you know that Math is the longest subject known to man? And that when it's your first day back to school after god knows how long, it blows. Man, it felt like the first day of school all over again, for some strange reason.
Man, I thought about "Him" today. Do you remember "him". Yeah, I was hoping to forget about everything, starting today. Unfortunatly, I saw him alot, and consitering I'm going through the whole I-don't-wanna-be-alone thing since my birthday is coming, he was on my mind. Things I had completely forgoteen about came flooding back into my thoughts. Of course, I still have to pretend that I don't know him. I guess it's easy since I'm an "actress". I know how to push everything away, and pretend I am someone else.
It's just weird. Weird with a capital W. And I'm not saying I want it all back, don't get me wrong. No one has ever cared about me one tenth of how much if felt like he cared about me, but if I had all that back, it would mean the whole breakup sucky part again. Once was enough, thanks. I never wanted to see that part of him. I couldn't believe how much he changed.
Why am I ever talking about this? What the hell is the point of me bitching and complaining? All I am doing is sounding more and more pathetic.
-*-9 days until my birthday-*-
That's right. 9 days. Anyone can feel free to get me a present, I won't mind. Come on guys, I'm only going to turn 17 once! LoL.
~*~*~
October 04, 2003 - 12:21 p.m.
[Currently listening to: So Far Away by Stained]
Well it's been a while. Well we survived "Hurrician Juan", barely. We lost power for 2 days, and you know what? Cold water is COLD! LoL.
Anyways, Fall has set in. The nights are getting longer and COLDER! You know what that means don't you, we have 11 days until my 17th birthday!!! Personally I can not wait because 1. PRESENTS! and 2. It means that time isn't passing as slowly as I figured it would.
Of course things are *exactly* how I wish they were. I can't actully get into the details, but exactly one person knows what I am talking about, I think. I don't know. I could get into the details but that could get messy and not really up for dealing with that Before my birthday. Maybe after, when I have time to think about it.
Wow, am I cryptic or what? LoL.
So yeah, being single SUCKS! I miss snuggling :*(, ALOT! Especially fall, thats the best time. Man, I need to go and finish cleaning.
By-the-way: Found my prom dress last night. I know I have a buncha months, but it's so hot! Exactly what I told people I wanted! So Mummy is taking me tonight to see it again.. i'm SOOOO getting it!
~*~*~
September 27, 2003 - 12:01am
[Currently listening to: Second to Last by New Found Glory]
Man this song says everything. It explains everything going on right now. Why is it everytime that I see him, the whole us not being friends thing actully starts to bother me?
It's not even that I like the person he is. I like the person he was. It's like this quote - These tears aren't for you. These tears are for the person I thought you were. - It explains exactly what is going on.
I hate the fact that now suddenly I'm thinking about him. I mean me and elle sat on her frount porch talking about the "hims" in our lives, past present and future. I was able to talk about alot of things that I just hadn't been able to talk about in such a long time cause I was repressing them, not wanting to have to deal with them.
The truth is, I still love him. Well not "him" exactly but who he was before he invoked cocky "i-have-sex-everyday" guy. I don't like that guy, because I really don't care who he's prolly going to end up knocking up. Personally I've been there, done that, got both the t-shirt and the hickey. (lol.. isn't that awsome)
He is not the same that I knew and love, and I guess that is part of the problem.
Sometimes it's hard to comprehend the fact that things will never be the same. I mean, he moved on so quickly, and I just couldn't believe it. I mean I was still holding on and he was sharing stories with me about this new person he was in love with and I just sat back and wondered how he could tell me all these hurtful things. I mean he said he loved me, yet he hurt me more then anyone had ever hurt me before.
I think that one of the reasons I said stupid things, including naming "her" slut-o-rama. I mean, i didn't know her. All I knew was that he really cared abuot her, so I just HAD to be a big time bitch and start tearing her up because I knew nothing I said would hurt him!
LoL- musta been where that dream came from. lol, i'm going to share it just because I'm crazy like that. So I'm having this big like party at my house and well all my friends are invited. It's happening in my room, cuz it's like the size of my whole house. Anyways so I'm like chilling, talking to Colin, unaware that he and his lil P.A. Friends show up. Anyways, the next morning I like wake up and see them around here, and I pull him over to the side and ask him what him and his "party-crashing-pussy-party" is doing at my house. Anyways he gets like mad at me and storms out and away. Anyways, I'm like cleaning up and I see like one of them sitting in my room, and she pulls out a ciggerette. So I ask her if she has an extra one, and she says she's going for a walk and she'll spilt with me. So she and I go for a walk to have a smoke and we are walking when she turns to me and goes "Why do you hate me" and I'm like shocked right. And she starts telling me who she is. And I'm like shocked cuz I had no idea, and then I like apoligize. Anyways her and I are like talking about our relationships with "him". So at this point the rest of the PCPP show up with him. So she like gives him this giant hug and like is telling him how much she loves him and stuff.
I think that was the first time I ever realized that I wanted him to be happy.
I knew that it didn't matter that it wasn't with me, as long as he was happy I knew that everything would be alright. Guess it doesn't matter now, but it was just intresting. Won't change anything but gets it off my chest.
~*~*~
September 25, 2003 - 5:35 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Here without you. by 3 doors down.]
Got home from Dance practice just a lil while ago. Yesser, I MADE THE DANCE GROUP/TEAM! *bows* Aren't you proud of me! And this year I plan on not having to resign from the team due to health reasons *cough*cough*mono*cough*cough*
Oh my god- Today at lunch I was walking through the halls and this guy that I messed around with at a party was there! He came up to me and was like talking to me. I didn't want to be mean or anything, cuz he is a nice guy, but I didn't really wanna talk to him. I mean, when i drink I tend to get a tad.. ummm.. slutty. I didn't think I would see him again. So I lied and said I was looking for someone. I'm mean, I know. :(
Anyways, not much else to say. Not much else going on. Long weekend so that should be intresting. One extra night of fun wandering to do! Yey!
Anyways, I might write more later.
~*~*~
September 20, 2003 - 11:31 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Second to Last by New Found Glory.]
Why is it that I never get to have any fun when the parents go out and leave me home with a large amount of booze?
First off the night started with everyone (aka- Me, Mishy, Ella and Nick) gathering at my house so make some fun drinks. Which we did, and oh my god. I bet you didn't know that my dad makes really strong moonshine. I can feel my liver slowly rotting away.
Anyway so we drank those, and then Colin and his friend (whos name I can't recall) showed up and we did NOTHING! Well me and Mishy and ella discussed some concequences to a bet we made during the summer, and I must say that I am VERY disapointed in Ella. Tisk Tisk.. consitering she is like the queen of truth or dare, she is a very big WUSS! ELLA'S A WUSS! ELLA'S A WUSS! *Taunts*
Sorry, just had to get that out. Anyways, yes. We didn't do anything except die of boredem. Man, I seriously should have called a certain "smurf" boy (hehehe) and seen what he was doing tonight. He's fun to be around, mostly because I'm usually drunk when I'm around him. Haha. Sad but true. It would have been more fun then lying on the living room floor and um, listening to my pet bugie say very bad words. LoL, and everyone thinks that he learned them from converstations I had with "you-know-who". Nah, I'd say it's my sister doing all the dirty talk, knowing her.
Anyways yeah, I've been single almost 6 months! Isn't that sad, I mean my sister breaks up with one boyfriend on Sunday and gets a new one Monday! I could never do that! Mostly because I bring out the worst in the people I date. I mean they are all super sweet and great.. that is until they meet me and then.. dun dun dun dun. They become these cocky jerks that are... mean. Okay so maybe i'm having trouble thinking because my mind is clouded by drinks.
DRINKING IS BAD!
STAY IN SCHOOL!
I LOVE CHURCH! (wait I don't go to church)
I LOVE SCHOOL!
Hahaha. Anyways, not much else to share. I think I'm going to get ready for the new SATC ep that is coming on very very soon! Man, Sex and the city is one of the greatest television shows on TV now-a-days! Everyone should watch it, if only for the shoes! (*Niavely*what other reason is there?)
Man I can't believe that tomorrow is Sunday. That BLOWS! I diffently need to do something fun tomorrow! Anyone have any ideas??
night.
~*~*~
September 19, 2003 - 5:47 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Sometimes by Blink 182.]
You know what is bad- screwing up your back then taking over 18 pills in less than 24 hours. And yet, my back *still* hurts, how screwie is that? I'm seriously conteplating popping a couple of those muscle relaxers hidden in my book bag. That would make the pain go away... AND.. make me talk backwards.
Things are bad tho, and not getting any better. I am running away, slowly but surely. And I figured out why I was really mad at her.. I was thinking about somethings, bad things, and I wanted not to have to feel guilty if it ended up happening. I didn't want to have to think about anyone else's feelings but mine. Thats why I decided to get mad at her, for the stupidest reason known to man. She hates me now, so I guess that is alright. If things end up going a certain way, I won't have to worry about anything but missing out on some great living.
anyways, my back hurts and i hear super strong meds calling.
Later.
~*~*~
September 17, 2003 - 10:57 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Sucicdal Dream by Silverchair.]
Okay everybody, this is the best song EVER! DOWNLOAD IT! don't question me, just do it, okay?
Anyways, things are bad. Really really bad, and I'm making excuses to push people away. I just want everyone to go away, and I think I'm the one that needs to leave. I should leave, I mean I know exactly how to get my parents to send me away. I could go, and you know, never see these people again. They aren't even doing anything wrong, it's me. Everything is too much, and I can't take much more.
I don't want her to think that I hate her, or that she did anything wrong. Neither is true. It's me {was there any question?}. I just, can't take it.
Night.
~*~*~
September 15, 2003 - 4:59 p.m.
My Immortal.
Your Lyrics
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
What Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
~*~*~
September 13, 2003 - 11:45 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Torn by Natalie Imbruglia]
Yes, I am listening to a song from when I was like 11, so?
So I'm sitting here on my computer, talking to my cousin, because I really haven't done anything more productive. Personally I don't want to see "certain" people, because until I figure out exactly what I can say to them, I don't want to be around them. So today I spend being "sick" and it was the most boring 24 hours of my life. And tomorrow will be just as bad because I'm not going to see anyone, which is stupid and childish- But i'm hurt.
I wonder if she thinks I'm stupid, or Naive, or maybe she figures I'll have no problem with it. But why lie? I hate liars! I hate them ALOT! They piss me off, I wish she would just tell me the truth, it's not like I wouldn't figure it out eventully!
I want her to be happy, and if he somehow makes her happy (and I know how he does it, so she will be) then good for her. I'll just sit back and wonder why every guy that I have ever been with has somehow found her better then me in every way. No one has any idea how much that hurts, and they never will because this is my life, and not theres.
Night.
~*~*~
September 13, 2003 - 6:27 p.m.
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
~*~*~
September 12, 2003 - 4:38 p.m.
..My Horescope..
Just read this.. and isn't it freaky consitering my situation...
Face facts: You and you best friend have some issues to work through. Whatever problems you're having won't end the relationship. The most important thing is to be honest and say exactly what's on your mind.
~*~*~
September 12, 2003 - 4:21 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Faint by Linkin Park]
Whoever said that once your at the bottom there is no where to go but up was seriously distrubed, because there is ALWAYS more down. Everyone has been telling me that things are going to get better, it just takes time. But you know, things you are getting worse and worse.. and nothing can cheer me up! I was so happy last time I wrote in here, but the more this week has gone on, things haven't gotten so bad.
I'm losing my best friend.
I mean it's slow and going to take a while, but I have a feeling that things are going to get bad very soon, and nothing I can do will change that. She likes him, I know she does, people who don't even know her knows she does. I don't understand this - it's stupid and loserish. But it's happening. Last night was the worst so far, I sat in my basement on my computer and talked to people I barely know about my problems and how I felt about what was going on. I don't have anyone else to talk to, I can't talk to her, not about this.
She says she doesn't like him, but it's obvious. Just the way she talks about him; everytime she says something about him I just want to yell "shut up i don't care!!!" That is so horrible, but I really can't help how I feel about this whole thing. I think I just need to stay away from everyone for a while <
Oh yeah, John Ritter died. :( He was the cool guy from "3's company" and "8 simple rules". He also was on Buffy once. I was really sad when I heard it, cuz "3's company" is like the best show in the world! Everybody watch it if you get the chance, no show better!!! RIP.
~*~*~
September 07, 2003 - 12:36 p.m.
[Currently listening to: your Star by All american rejects]
Today is a great day, and a day I've been waiting for a long time.
I don't like him, even as a friend now. I mean last night I said all those things, and even this morning I still would have said stuff, but it's done. I've moved on, and I don't want to even know him. I guess my horescope was right, today is the day I move on. Wow, this is weird. I mean usually I would be thinking things like, bad things, but I'm not. I'm smiling, I don't smile. I'm listening to sad songs and not crying.
Intresting, very very intresting. I like this, being happy for the right reasons. I'm sure I'll soon be knocked down from my pedestal soon enough, but I'm not thinking about it. I'm just going to be happy!
Of course once I get back from the docter and my mother finds out how truelly screwed up I am, I'm sure then things won't be happy. But thats not until sometime next week, so I have until then to be happy! *does a lil happy dance*
Today is a great day, the best day of the last 5 months. Nothing can ruin this, nothing.
~*~*~
--Yesterday -- ×Parisian Adventure× --Tomorrow--