×Hates×
Random tests of which you don't even get marked on. Math. Loneliness. Liars. Hypocrites. People who talk behind people's backs. Vin Deseil. "Smurf Boy". Change.
×Feeks×
February 24, 2004 - 9:30 p.m.
Hehe.. Doesn't he look cute? He's going to kill me for putting that up.
Took it sunday, along with pictures of the snow.
~*~*~
February 24, 2004 - 5:44 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional]
*Happy 4 month*
I just got home from Andrew's, I'm still glowing.
Today was a pretty awesome day, ties with yesterday and Valentines day for best day of February.
I went over to Andrew's noonish, and we watched Alice in wonderland, which I haven't watched since I was, oh, about nine. So that was awesome, cause: weird movie. In a good way. Just weird.
Then he tickled me, and tickled me, and tickled me. He *WON* a tickle war! I know, shocking. Don't worry, I beat him playing cards, twice! ((I really did, I'm telling you)) Oh.. and wouldn't you *LOVE* to know what else we did! ^_~
Today is day #4 of school being cancelled, but we are going back tomorrow. Wow, I don't think I remember school.. and I'm fairly certain all my teachers are going to make us do our tests that we had, EVEN tho, one was thrusday, one was friday and one was monday. Now, even though I haven't studied, I have to do all three on the same day I'm guessing. I'm screwed.. I didn't expect 4 days off, or even one day off. *Gulp*
This has been an intresting 6 day weekend. I didn't go out, or do much, but I did finish two books and saw Andrew, a whole bunch. Yep, I like blizzards, how about another one.. say... tomorrow? I know, I prolly should get back to school or else I might fail, or have to go to school on Saturdays or something.. no one can make me give up my Saturday's... NO ONE!
Anyways.. yes... Thrusday is an important day. Thrusday is a.. ummm... landmark I guess you could say. Also the girlies are hopefully *crosses fingers* having a girls sleepover night @ my place. I say hopefully because mum has been in a mood lately, but I'm sure we can. It will be awsome! Movies, junkfood and boytalk.. ahaha.. it's gonna rock!
*Muah* - "the words are hushed, lets not get busted. Just lay intwined here undiscovered"
~*~*~
February 23, 2004 - 9:16 p.m.
Quote of the day
.:*Sometimes we meet love that is unexpected and takes us to new places we never thought we'd go to.... Love that opens us up more.... and, love that brings us back*:.
- Carrie from SATC.
~*~*~
February 21, 2004 - 7:27 p.m.
You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.
But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?
It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.
Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!
Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...
Totally different from any guy you've dated.
Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!
~*~*~
February 20, 2004 - 9:06 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Wild Horses by The Sundays]
Wow, being buried under 90 cm of snow is fun!
Wait, no it's not!
Do you know what snow does to me, it makes me have very weird dreams. It makes me have *VERY*VERY* weird dreams, which I'm not going to get into much detail about, but yesterday's letter had part to do with me having these dreams. ((by-the-by it was fighting in the dream that caused the letter))
Anyways, yes... onto the Big Blizzard of '04 as my mother called it. Revenge of Juan. Our street hasn't been plowed yet, and from what I've heard it could be until Monday until it is. Crazy, isn't it! We have more snow then we know what to do with, and guess what! More is on it's way! Lucky us!
Andrew bared the over-the-head amounts of snow in the path to come visit home-bound me today. He told me his crazy-kinky dream ((hehe, wouldn't YOU like to know!)) and yeah, talked about sleeping ((in his bed)) with me, as my father walked by. I'm hoping daddy didn't hear, as I would still like to be his innocent little princess.
Anyways, I found another new ticklish spot on Andrew today. Hehe, even more ticklish then the last one. It's great, until he decides to tickles me. Silly boy, I got him back. I made him sit on "the chair"! Mwhahahaha!
Sex and the city is ending Sunday, but of course I don't get to see that episode for a while. I have no idea how I'm going to handle 1. It ending. and 2. not being spoiled! This show is amazing, okay. I have adore this show since young ages when I shouldn't have been alloweed to watch it! Of course... I had no idea what they were talking about. LoL.
It's kinda of crazy how I can relate to a show when I'm not the same age as the characters, I don't like in New York, I don't have amazing clothes like them and I don't have massive amounts of sex. But yet, I relate. Scary. I don't know how it works, but it works. Whoa. I can relate certain things I've gone through with certain things Carrie has gone through. That show helped me get through my big break up, as I watched Carrie go through her big break-up with Big. Weird.
Anyways, that's my little ode to "sex and the city", let it rest in reruns and a movie that better be coming out!
I think I'm done, I don't have much else to ramble on about. Feeling lonerish and artsy so I may end up spending the rest of the night in my room sketching as I have recently found out I'm not half bad at drawing. Maybe I'll write a couple stories as well, about snow. Or stupid dreams which suck. Well, maybe not last night. Last night my hair looked cute, haha bangs. Ohhhhhhh... who would kill me if I got bangs again.
Who will kill me for just sounding so shallow.
It's the snow god-dammit.
Night *Muah*
~*~*~
February 19, 2004 - 3:13 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Fate by Four Star Mary]
Dear Brian,
I'm tired of you.
I'm tired of seeing you every day.
I'm tired of you some how sneaking your way into my dreams, or should I say nightmares.
I'm tired of being scared of loving Andrew because of how you treated me.
I'm tired of wondering if he's going to hurt me like you did.
I'm tired of wishing that you and I could somehow be friends.
I'm tired of wondering why we can't be.
I'm tired of saying things about you that I really don't mean.
I'm tired of being the one who was hurt.
I'm tired of remembering back to May, and blaming you for everything that happened.
I'm tired of hating you.
I'm tired of using you as an excuse to protect my heart.
I'm tired.
~*~*~
February 14, 2004 - 11:18 p.m.
[Currently listening to: So long astoria by The Ataris]
Happy Valentines Day peoples! Yes, when I say Happy Valentines day I mean HAPPY!
My holiday curse is broken! I got through the entire day ((only 40 minutes to go)) without crying, being sad or depressed! Infact this has been one of the best/amazing days ever.
Andrew came over around 2pm, with a present in hand even though I told him not to get me anything. What did he get the you're asking? The Ataris Cd - "So long Astoria" :D I have the bestest boyfriend ever.
For him I got a buncha candy, yummy yummy candies that I hope he loved.
Also, part of his present was I cooked him a nice romantic dinner. Yes people, I *CAN* cook! I was going to take pictures to prove it, but I forgot! But, really... I can cook!
So my parents went out, I cook our romantic dinnner, and we went up to my room to look at the "stars". See, I have these cheap glow and the dark stars on my ceiling, but it was fun. We just lied in each others arms, then my sister burst in to say she was going to Dairy queen, Andrew joked about "What would she have done if we had been doing something else" - Which I agreed with, so I shut the door fully.
Anyways, my parents ended up coming home early because the daughter of the people that they had been out with had gotten into a car accident. And so Andrew was able to stay an hour last then he was actully supose to. My parents don't trust me, lol. Well I'm smart, I got out of my room before they got there! :D
Anyways, daddy is informing me it's time to go to bed, I am tired.
Nighty Night, Happy Valentines Day!
*muah*
~*~*~
February 12, 2004 - 7:45 p.m.
[Currently listening to: That's when I love you by Aslyn]
When you have to look away
When you dont have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly
And when your mad cuz you lost a game
Forget Im waiting in the rain
Baby i love you,
I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
WhenI love you no matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
Thats when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you cant quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
Thats when I love you
I love you, more than youll know
And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
Thats when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what
~*~*~
February 08, 2004 - 10:29 p.m.
[Currently listening to: All my Life by KC and Jojo]
Everyone has a romantic fantasy they wish they could expirence. For some it's as simple as falling in love, and for other's it could be slightly more complex like playing "dress up". For me, my romantic fantasy is to lie in bed all day, with the one I love.
I would love to spend an entire day in bed, just lying there, cuddling. Eating weird junk foodie things, like ice cream sundae's, while naked. Only leaving when absoultely nessesary. Just lie with that other person and not care about another thing in the world but them.
I would love for it to be a snow day tomorrow, I realize the chances of that are fairly slim but it would be great. My parents are taking my sister to a bunch of appointments tomorrow, so Andrew could come over and we could just lie in others arms for a small portion of the day. It would be wonderful, and perfect. Nothing could be more perfect then that.
Somedays I wish we could run away to our island, because there we'd make the rules! No one would be telling us what to do. We could lie out under the stars as long as we wanted, and lie in bed together all through the day if we chose to do so. It's the most amazing place in the entire world, and I wish I was there with him right now.
We'd be out under the stars on our white sand beach, watching as shooting stars passed us by, and sipping on fruity drinks with little plastic swords.
Just the thought of that brings a large smile to my face.
I want so badly just to lie there with him, in bed, cuddling. Whispering things to each other, silly things that no one would understand. Falling asleep in each other's arms, and waking up the same way. Don't get me wrong, I know those things usually go along with other *certain* things, and I know I'm not ready to do those certain things.
I get more satisfaction out of lying with him, weither on the couch or on my basement floor, then I have with anything I've ever done. Not to say that what I've done hasn't been fun, it just, it's nothing special. Really. I've never really understood why people think it's so important to do "that" when you can just lie with someone, and it's just as wonderful.
~*~*~
February 04, 2004 - 10:25 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Summer wind was always our song ((video)) by The Ataris]
Very first 'the Ataris' song I ever downloaded while I was looking for Break up songs to help mend my broken heart. I had never heard of them, and had NO IDEA what I was downloading, but soon started my love affair with the band. I had no idea that the main singer ((according to ella)) has a striking resemblence to the ex they were helping me move on from.
I guess this whole 'English class' situation isn't as bad as I pictured it getting, I just find it weird that he's in the class. But I realized today I don't really even notice him, until it's brought to my attention that he is there.
I know you guys must think it's weird that I still talk about Brian when I'm completely in love with Andrew. Thing is, he's always going to be there. I know that's stupid, but he was my first everything! He was my first love, my first.. you know, and my first real heartbreak. As much as I wish I could forget everything that happened, I can't. And there is nothing wrong with that, we all have that one person who will always be with us, a person of the past. But that doesn't mean that our heart can't be completely given to another person.
In a way I thank him for the person I am today. He helped me grow up with our breif but intense relationship. We never would have worked out, not in a relationship. We are far too different of people, but for those few months, it was all that was needed. We lived out an relationship that usually lasts 50 years, in less then 5 months. I'm happy with that, because it made me realize exactly what I want.
I always imagined what love, real love, would be like. Innocent kisses, laughs, lying under the stars with the one you love. In there arms just being silent. Brian and I were none of that, *But* Andrew and I- it's exactly what I've always wanted. It's what I imagined love to be like. And Brian helped me realize that.
Maybe I wish I could explain this to him, took me long enough to realize it, but it won't do any good. I know that. I understand that surprisingly enough. And yeah, maybe I miss talking to him, hearing his stupid jokes that were never really all that funny. Maybe I miss how he knows my dark secret. Maybe I miss that I don't really miss him. Maybe I miss being unhappy. Maybe I miss the tears that use to run down my face at any reminder of him. Maybe.... I couldn't be happier.
I'm a different person then I was this time last year. He's a different person then he was this time last year. I know that right now, I'm never going to get the chance to say I'm sorry, or to tell him about my day. That's okay. Everything happens for a reason, and in the end, things turned out perfect for me. He's got his amazing girl, I have my amazing guy, and we both have the memories we made that won't ever faid. ((atleast for me)) That's enough.
You never forget you're first love, that's what makes it so special. The memories you make, good and bad, will always seem to remain there. But.. when you move on and find *that* person; the one that makes your heart do that butterfly thing, and you couldn't imagine anyone else holding you in their arms- even the memories of the first can't surpase that amazing feeling of feeling truely in love.
~*~*~
February 02, 2004 - 5:19 p.m.
[Currently listening to: If all else fails by Matchbook Romance]
Back to school I went this morning. I sharpened my pencils, put my binders in my bag, then I tied my laces and hopped on that good old school bus of mine. I was excited to get back into school, key word being was.
My schedule was pretty much inorder besides me *Not* being in the same CLM class as all my friends, though I did find one person who will be with me in lonerville.
First we had law, with Allison. She will make sure that I am Never bored in that class, and we are learning about some cool things starting tomorrow, and excluding the assignment due on Friday I'm not scared. I should do good if I don't slack of like I did last semester.
From Law I traveled to my English class. Now I can't explain it but I knew, I just knew, that Brian was going to be in that class. I had this weird feeling that he was going to be there. And for a moment it almost seemed like he wouldn't be, and then he slithered into the classroom. The first words out of my mouth "No fucking way." But as long as the teacher does not seat us anywhere near each other I may get through that class without getting into a screaming fight with him. Maybe.
After that, I had double offblock, which will turn into CLM last period tomorrow. But I know one person so *maybe* it won't be so bad. I hope to god.
And lastly I had global geo which seems like a very easy class but looks can be deciving. There are like 6 grade 12's in the class and the rest are nice grade 11's... whoopie! That was a sarcastic whoopie. As long as I try I think I may be able to do good in it, lots of assignment that need to be done, and those are my downfall.
All in All I wouldn't call it a horrible day but there were some bad points.
Good things:
Allison is in my Law Class.
Nothing I fear failing, yet.
Small offblock, but some good people.
NO SMURF BOY IN ANY CLASSES!
Bad things:
He's in English and on my offblock.
Not with Mishy, Shad and Allison in CLM.
Banged my head really hard at lunch and couldn't see straight for a while.
I nearly passed out at Dance.
So that's the rundown, I have some english homework that I am debating getting to nowish, and global geo and Law assignments due Friday. So should have a busy week ahead of me, but I hope that maybe the school blows up and they lose everyone's classes and have to make new ones and then I get a different english and CLM class, the ones I really wanted. Then I could be honky dory!
~*~*~
February 01, 2004 - 10:45 a.m.
[Currently listening to: I'll remember you by The Ataris]
I wrote this big long speil yesterday, but when I went to submit it, my browser would not work so I lost it. I'm not going to re-write it again though, but I'll include some of what I had said.
For the last little while ((probably since Thrusday)) I have been feeling down; I mean, completely not myself. I felt like a different person, a person who didn't want to leave her house, instead just lie in bed or on the couch and eat mass amounts of junk food.
Well Friday night, and my family's attempt at World War III did not help me. Infact, mostly because it was my fault it caused some major problems, including the breakage of my new years resoultion. I'm back on track now! And I'm working hard to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Anyways, as I was saying, Friday was bad causing Saturday morning when I woke up not to be exactly a fun time. I was really "I don't want to go out, I don't want to see anyone. Just leave me alone" attitude. That was until I started talking to Andrew online. I was still feeling pretty down, but I wanted to see him. So I invited him over because we had planned on seeing each other earlier in the week.
So I changed into some regular clothes, and he came over. Now I was still feeling pretty down when he came over, but I find it so hard to be down when he's around. So yes, I started getting happier as the day progressed, until I had forgetten about ever being down. Yesterday was alot of fun; I miss him so much when I don't get to see him, but the second I'm with him again I forget all about that.
We were lying on the couch last night, praying my parents didn't come down stairs because we were way comfy, and my parents have a rule about not lying down with someone your dating. Anyways, he looks up at me and goes "I never want to be someone to hurt you. Lets just go get married." I giggled and said we could do it Britney Spears style, in Vegas. But Of course we wouldn't get it annuled after a day. He agreeed, so we're going to go off to Vegas one of these days and get married, LoL. That is after we steal a plane to run away to our island!
So around 11 my parents kicked him out because both were ready to go to bed, and I guess they don't trust me. So we said our goodbyes, hehe, and I went off to bed.
I guess I fell asleep with the TV on because I woke up and realized that my TV was still on. It was 4:30am. I cused because I had missed Sex and the City again, then went back off to dreamland, where I had some REALLY weird dreams, including one where I was pregnant, but nobody could tell because it was like early. It was weird, I'll get my sister to decode it later, she's good at those kinds of things.
I think I should call up Ella and Mishy and Nick, because technically I haven't really seen them alot this week as I was down and out. I want to go swimming, but I don't think I can because Ella doesn't have a bathing suit anymore, and well my little situation.
~*~*~
January 29, 2004 - 5:44 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Your body is a wonderland by John Mayor]
I absoultely hate war, and terrorists, and people who blow themselves up to see who they can kill.
I found out today that a family friend, Pete- who has always been like my uncle to me, has already had some close calls on his PEACE mission over in Afghanistan. He had only barely left Camp Julien before the sucide bomber came on and blew himself up. When I say barely, I mean minutes.
I never really thought about this whole war thing, and the people going over there until now. It has just offically hit home. I know someone over there, who could be the next one to run over a landmine; The next one to come in contact with a sucide bomber. It's scary, because I could be watchin his casket being carried on the news. But god willing, that will never happen.
Stupid War.
On a lighter note, me and Andrew have a little bet going on. Nothing Cruel Intentions style or anything, but it's got some funny concequences if he loses. My concequences are less humerous.
See he and I were talking on the phone, about Buffy ((this is your cue to laugh)) and I said how I always wanted a Buffy action figure, but it was virtually impossible to find one in stores. He bet he could, and there started our little wager. The terms, well if he doesn't win and I do, will be that he has to sit down and watch the Buffy musical ((I know, you would think that would be bad enough)) and sing EVERY song! Lyrics will be provided.
Unfortunatly, if he somehow wins, then I have to sit down and watch Triple X. Remember, I absoultely HATE Vin Deseil, and anyone that really knows me knows that I absoultely loathe that movie for reasons that I just won't get into. He knows that too, which is why he plan on torturing me if he wins. Only he could get away with it, anyone else would face a beheading or something crazily oldfashioned like that!
~*~*~
January 28, 2004 - 11:03 a.m.
[Currently listening to: Echo by Trapt.]
I hate mornings!
I expected that going to bed around 3am would allow me to sleep in until atleast noon. But no, when I opened my eyes and looked at my clock it was 9:40 am. Stupid dreams... arg.
Exams are over.
Yesterday morning I walked into that school- freaking out, and sat down with my shiney new Number 2 pencil and started. It wasn't As scary as I imagined, but it was still very scary. But I answered every question, and who knows, maybe I got one or two right! I'm kidding, I think I did alright. *crosses fingers* Okay I'm praying I did alright.
So now that I'm done with Exams until June ((yey!)) I'm sitting here with my comfy shoe pj's on, eating yogurt and waiting for Ella to get home from her english exam, so we can do something fun, and crazy, and will waste the flim I have left in my camera. Still haven't got some of the pictures from the play developed. Darnit. Have to do that, I have some AMAZING pictures on there. HeH HeH.
My New courses coming up are:
Law
English
CLM ((yes, I failed it. I know. Laugh))
Global Geography
Those aren't too bad. Of course- I already know that Law will be the exam I exempt coming June. I hear Global Geo is a pretty easy course, so as long as I do all my work I should be good.
I have to go out sometime this weekend and buy new binders and stuff because I abused the ones from this semester. A new backpack would be nice too, since my other one is CRAP! Stupid bag company, grrrr. Whoa, with all new things it's going to be like a whole new school year. Haha. The only sucky part is that I don't have offblock with anyone, they all have 'B' and I'm a 'C' girl. Atleast the ONE PERSON I didn't want to have offblock with, isn't on 'C'. If he had been, I think I may have killed him. Severly.
I hope Ella gets home soon, we are thinking about going down to visit Astral this afternoon. Say hello to some old teachers, and see if they remember me! I should crash my sister's english class and say hello to my old English teacher. I bet Krista would kill me, oh man, I so should do it!
*huggles*kisses*tickles*
~*~*~
January 25, 2004 - 7:25 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Slide by Goo Goo Dolls.]
*Happy 3 month and a day*
So yesterday I spent a large majority of the day with Andrew. First I ventured out in the cold to his house, and we sat in his warm basement watching Cruel Intentions for a couple hours, including the deleted scenes! ((i wish i had a DVD player)) I also discovered a new ticklish spot on him, hehe. I'm evil.
Well when his parents got home, I was invited to stay for supper. Unfortnatly they were having STEAK so Andrew had to explain that I'm veggie girl, but it ended up being all good. I was so nervious being there, I was shaking so bad. But everything went well, his parents asked me about graduation and what I planned on doing after, and eventully I became Slightly less nervious. Slightly.
Once dinner was over, him and I came back to my house because I said I would show him my gawd awful grade 9 year book picture. So from there we played a little poker, where yes, I lost. He was just having a lucky day!
Well eventully we stopped playing cards, and just layed together on the floor asking questions to each other, telling each other different things. It was pillow talk without any of the other stuff. It was.. amazing. Just sitting there, whispering things back and forth, slipping in the odd kiss. It felt so romantic, and better then the most romantic date.
With him, I don't know how to explain it- but I could lie in silence next to him, and it would give me more satisfaction then anything else in the world.
I've never known anyone like him before, and I mean I thought I knew what love was. But this kinda love, this kinda love is so much more. It's... it's... true. It's... so hard to explain, but this says it somewhat:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
This poem explains the love I have for him. I remember watching "A walk to Remember" and hearing that and thinking: 'That's it!' If that poem was a checklist, I would be able to check every one of those off. I don't know what to say, I've never been so happy. I've never been so excited. I've never....
~*~*~
January 22, 2004 - 7:47 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot]
This is a beautiful song, everyone should download it.
I guess it's been a while since any real entry was written in here. Maybe I should catch you up on events of my life, not that they are really that exciting.
I only had 5 days away from school, and it feels like it was so much longer then that, like the Hurricain all over again. But unfortunatly I had to come back to the looming exams, and wrongful touching.
I have a question for people who think that they can just grab someone's ass in the middle of the hall, and have that person be okay with it? What the fuck is your problem?!?
I'm sorry, does my ass have a sign on it that say's "Please grab this"? Do you really think I want your dirty hands all over me, when I have someone *SO* much better waiting at home for me? You had your chance, actully you had your chance a couple times, I'm over your issues. As the Taking Back Sunday song is titled "you're so last summer"
Okay, done with that.
Really.
I mean it.
Swear to god.
Moving on....
Me and Andrew's 3 month is on Saturday! *dances* Isn't that so duperly awsome?!? I'm going to be romantic, and do something special. No, not *that* kind of special. Dirty minded people, I know what you're thinking. Tisk Tisk.
No, I'm thinking maybe a cute pinic in the snow ((under the circumstances that it is a WARMER day)) and then like go sledding or something innocently cute like that. Haha. On Monday night, we snuck out just to kiss each other before going to bed. A simple good night kiss. Everyone was like "That is so cute", I was just glad that I was able to see him, because we go so long sometimes, not seeing each other, and it can be tough. But in the end, being with me, it's so worth it.
He makes me breathless
He makes me knees go weak.
He makes me believe in love.*swoon*
~*~*~
--Yesterday -- ×Parisian Adventure× --Tomorrow--