×Hates×
Random tests of which you don't even get marked on. Math. Loneliness. Liars. Hypocrites. People who talk behind people's backs. Vin Deseil. "Smurf Boy". Change.
×Feeks×
March 23, 2004 - 7:08 p.m.
[Currently listening to: The Sweetest thing on my TV]
You know what the worst part is about watching movies... you realize everything you are missing.
I miss my best friend. *sniff*
~*~*~
March 23, 2004 - 4:36 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Somewhere out there by Our Lady Peace]
October 23rd, 2003.
I remember that day, fondly. School had been horrible but when I had come home Andrew and I had decided on getting together, although he wasn't going to be able to stay all night.
And I remember that I had gotten dressed up real pretty, because I was trying to impress him. So I got dolled up and waited for him to come. I was nervious. I had already planned on telling him that evening... sometime.. that I liked him, and had for while.
The doorbell rang and I, trying to be as casual as I could, went down and opened it. There he stood, and I felt my knees go weak and I had to concetrate on breathing. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach fluttering wildly at the boy infrount of me, I don't think I've ever been that nervous before in my life.
So we walked up stairs into my livingroom, and not even five minutes later my door bell rang again and Courtney showed up.
I don't think I've ever been that mad before either.
And then, though it seemed like he just arrived he had to go. And I walked him to the door, mad because I never got the chance to tell him how I liked him. And as he was putting on his jacket to leave, I asked for a hug and we kinda mixed directions and I was *so* sure he was going to kiss me, and I so wanted to kiss him.
But I was too scared with everyone upstairs so we hugged goodbye and I watched him walk into the night.
I didn't think I would get the chance to tell him again.
But look how everything turned out. 5 months with Andrew, 5 months and I've never loved anyone more. I really haven't, he's my everything... even in that cheesy boy band ballad way.
~*~*~
March 22, 2004 - 6:07 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Still Breathing by Cauterize]
Jesus Christ, what the hell did *I* do?
This is bullshit...
~*~*~
March 21, 2004 - 2:11 p.m.
Update:
I made that, because I would love to have that as the picture in a layout. *hint*hint*
~*~*~
March 21, 2004 - 11:30 a.m.
[Currently listening to: This Year's Love by David Grey]
Okay it's offical, I have an amazing boyfriend.
Well, I know that already but last night just confirmed my suspicions that he is amazing.
We decided to go see Secret Window. So I was about to open the door, to climb in the car to go to the theater and he opened the door for me! I know to most that wouldn't seem like all the big of a deal, but a guy has never opened a door for me before so of course I was smiling like a fool when he did it.
And then he paid for me to get into the movie, also... new expirence.
Last night was full of new expirences, seriously I have the most wonderful boyfriend ever! I think I'm still glowing for last night, which was a nice change from how the rest of the day went.
Anyways, I have a new infatuation: "Dawson's Creek" This whole week I've been catching up and I've become completely in love with the show, and the whole Pacey/Joey thing. I'll admit, I was very Dawson/Joey centered when the show ended. But watching these old episodes I've decided that Dawson is out and Pacey is in! Yep, sorry Dawson.
As I was saying, I've fallen back in love with the show. ((And what great timing I have, right when I have to go BACK to school!!)) I'm going to end up taping the episodes again and watching them while I do my homework like I use to do last year. I need help, haha.
Shoe of the Day:
Davee Embroidered Bootie
In honor of the newly fallen snow on the ground an... intresting.. boot from Manolo Blahnik. And it can be yours for only $1,600.00 American!
~*~*~
March 18, 2004 - 11:23 p.m.
[Currently listening to: I do by Dashboard Confessional]
So my sister is back in the hospital, because she was spitting up blood and that's like- a danger signal or something. WELL DUH! Anyways, she's only in over night... and she should be fine. I don't know how she could stay in there alone but I guess she's alot braver then me.
Anyways, My parents spent a great portion of the night over in Hali, and I had my big old house to myself... so I invited Andrew over. He kept me company. *wink*
Of course my parents ended up coming home *way* early so we rushed to parts of the house and I had to put my clothes back on in the middle of the livingroom. What would the neighbours think?!?! Haha.
You know, this relationship- it is everything I've dreamed of. He's like my best friend and my boyfriend all in one package. I don't really think I've ever had that before; It's amazing. And.... God do I love him. This feeling, This love. It's like nothing I have ever expirenced before. It's like.... whoa. That is the only word that can be used to discribe this. Whoa. I can't even begin to discribe how it feels to be with him. My knees tremble, my heart skips a beat and I'm barely able to say anything just because he kissed my cheek.
Shoe of the day:
Feeling sexy... *Rawr*
~*~*~
March 16, 2004 - 9:54 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Automatic Flowers by Our Lady Peace]
Wow, I've been on a real OLP kick lately. Cool.
Today I went shopping with Mishy. It was fun, we kidded around and bought more jewelry and browsed through really cute clothes. ((BTW going back for the cute mini skirt I saw, on Thrusday)) I wore my glasses today, so I looked semi smart, LoL.
Unfortunatly my father decided to forget about us, and ended up going out so we got home an hour and a half late and I was in pain. My back; Ouch. *sniff*
But besides that the rest of the day has been uneventful. I cleaned up my room, and watched some TV. But besides all that I've not done much.
My Buffy action figure looks cute on my desk... I still can't believe he won the bet. I just can't.... HOW!?!?!
And hopefully I'm seeing Andrew tomorrow, yey! If not, we're spending Thrusday together. I like this whole march break thing, except I have an entire book to read and I'm only half done. I'll work on that later.
SPRING IS IN THE AIR! It was actully semi-warm out today. Soon it will be time to break out my cute shoes and skirts and won't have to wear jeans all the time. I'm starting to hate jeans, I really am!
Shoe of the Day:
Satin Ribbon Slide
They're only $515.00... American. Who loves me?
~*~*~
March 15, 2004 - 6:28 p.m.
[Currently listening to: 4 am by Our Lady Peace]
He did it! How the hell did he do it!?!
He won the bet; the bet I was *SO* sure I was going to win! I didn't win! How could he find it, it was impassible!
Now I have to watch "xXx", the one movie in the entire world I cannot stand with the one actor in the entire world I can no stand!
This isn't fair! I wanted to hear him sing!
I was supose to win! Me! Not him!
Oh well, maybe I can make good memories..... or poke my eyes out! :(
~*~*~
March 12, 2004 - 3:50 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Way Out by Yellowcard ]
Remember a while ago when a said that school was getting tense, and that things were starting to feel like survivor?
Today was a prime example.
I hate this. I hate this so much!
Seriously, I would rather have people tell things to my face then this whole behind the back thing. It hurts so much, because I have no idea if she even wants me around anymore. I'm fairly certain that she doesn't, and if that's true I wish she would just tell me so I could stop pissing her off. Things could be so much easier then. I'm not going to stay around if people don't want me there, what's the point?
If someone doesn't like me, tell me. That's all I'm asking. If my presence pisses you off, tell me.
No one wants someone who they hate around them.
I hate thinking that my best friend in the entire world hates me guts, but I can't help it. What else am I supose to think other then she doesn't want me around anymore? I'm not stupid; I notice when people are distant to me, and ignore me.
The thing is, if she doesn't want me around I don't know what it is that I did to make her mad at me. Maybe I'll never know, just lose another person that I love more then the world itself....
~*~*~
March 11, 2004 - 10:54 p.m.
Boy Next Door - Your ideal guy is the brotherly and
huggable boy next door. He's always around,
knows you better than anyone, and loves to
cuddle. He's not neccessarily attractive to
most, but something about him makes him
charming and adorable in your eyes.
Turn ons: One word - cute. He gets you teddy bears
and kisses your forehead, loves hand holding
and telling you that he loves you.
Turn offs: He'll screw up somewhere down the line
- but we all make mistakes. Forgive him,
because all he can do is learn from it and love
you all the more!
What is your ideal type of guy? (With Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
~*~*~
March 11, 2004 - 4:25 p.m.
Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to. [please vote! thank
you! :)]
What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
~*~*~
March 10, 2004 - 4:12 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Way Out by Yellowcard ]
10 days until me and Andrew's bet ends.
---
I survived today.
I really didn't think I could, I thought I would crack. But I didn't. I made it.
I spent this first period worried about my sister. I was playing every worst case senerio in my head, remembering how my cousin almost died. I was worried to death that something bad would happen. See contray to popular belief I do love my sister, and although she does things to piss me off I will always love her no matter what.
I kept thinking about her, and Andrew through the whole day. I counted to when my sister was supose to be in recovery. When Andrew's sugery was supose to end. I felt like a wreck wondering what was happening.
I hate hospitals.
And I survived english as well. I nearly passed out twice, mix of nerves, lack of iron and any other food. I had one of my little episodes while standing up, waiting for when I had to walk up and do my part. I had to hold onto the ledge because it was either fall over, or grab onto certain people standing beside me. I chose the ledge instead.
I guess this project wasn't as bad as I imagined.
I mean, sure it was awkward. It was probably one of the most awkward situations that I have been forced into, but I survived. I didn't let our past history interfer with getting this project done, and I guess that means I am stronger then I thought I was.
Go me!
So tomorrow I have two imporant tests to completely ace or else I'm farely screwed. So I have to go study eventully so I can ace them, and get high marks and make my parents proud so they can buy me nice things. It's hard being me. *sigh* LoL.
Speaking of, interm reports are sent home tomorrow. I actully think I'm doing well! Maybe I'm not the complete mess up I though I was... or maybe these courses are just really easy! Who knows.
I guess that is everything...
If anything exciting happens I'll update you all on it ((because I know you are just on the edge of your seats!))
~*~*~
March 09, 2004 - 10:37 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Everywhere by Yellowcard ]
11 days until me and Andrew's bet ends.
He goes in to get his wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning, and my sister has her surgery at 7 am tomorrow. Tomorrow is not going to be a good day.
Then again, today wasn't either.
Maybe it's tradition that the week before march break has to suck. Who knows, it just seems to. I was reading my old diary from March 2003. I can't believe some of the things I wrote... I was so niave.
~*~*~
March 08, 2004 - 10:39 p.m.
[Currently listening to: There is by Box Car Racer ]
Somedays it would be nice if I had my own apartment where my father didn't walk down in the middle of... "things". Of course he didn't even realize, so that was great, because personally I like Andrew having all limbs attached.
I love being with him.
His smile, his... EVERYTHING! The way he'll leaned over and kiss me randomly. The way his smile brightens up even my darkest day. The way he tries to cheat at cards, but can never seem to actully accomplish it. The way he will never let me win! The look on his face when I tickle him. That look of accomplishment when he gets me to squeal from tickling. The way he holds me in his arms and makes the world fade away. The way he has made my dreams come true. The way it feels when I'm laying with him, knowing that nothing else matters.
Who could have thought.. I mean really.. Who could have thought? Going back sixth months, a year... could I have imagined my life like this? No, certainly not. Sixth months ago I was so depressed, I wanted to die. Literly, I wanted to die because I didn't think anything, or anyone could make me feel alive again. I was so wrong.
I still get depressed sometimes.
I still want to hurt myself.
That's never going to stop, I'm guessing. But, when I think of him I know I should be happy. I know someone loves me, and that they want to be with me. I know that I'm not going to lose him. I know that.
I know I doubt it sometimes, but even so, I just know. He loves me.
And I..... Love him more then he even knows.
"I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor, where I layed and told you but you swear you love me more"
~*~*~
March 07, 2004 - 5:29 p.m.
[Currently listening to: not Myself by John Mayor ]
I haven't wrote in here in a very long time. Sorry for the neglect.
It's not that I haven't had things to write about, I have. I just haven't really known what to write, so I didn't bother.
Infact I'm having trouble thinking of things to write for this entry, but never the less I'll continue on.
Parents went out last night and left me and Andrew with the whole house to ourselves. It was nice, well except for his deciding to tickle me!!! Tisk Tisk. I got him back. ;)
We layed in bed all evening, which was awsome. It was the most comfy thing in the entire world, and amazing thing and I wished that the night would never end because I didn't want to leave his arms... EVER! I just wanted to stay in that moment with him until forever.
English project working ends tomorrow at about 11:35am, and then we present the project and it's done. And as of yet, I haven't spoken to him. Go pretending he doesn't exsist! Working so far!
~*~*~
March 04, 2004 - 6:06 p.m.
My newest story on fiction press.
"Shattered Pieces of the Puzzle"
~*~*~
March 01, 2004 - 8:32 p.m.
these hospital walls are the palest of white
here in this desert they're reciting my last rites
the smell of these halls
brings temporary comfort
as the oxygen flows through my blood
el corazon was poisoned tonight...
she's on her eight of nine.
when half of all your prayers are insincere,
the other half are lies.
here is this watermark under this bridge.
the point where it all crested,
rolled back and drifted into the sea.
i climb from this wreckage
as the smoke begins to clear from my lungs.
the closest of close calls has happened tonight.
it's time that i made things right
for the first time,
since the last time.
let this moment of clarity
lift this curse that has been cast upon me.
appreciate the good times,
but don't take the worst for granted.
'cause you only get so many second chances
~*~*~
February 28, 2004 - 10:31 p.m.
[Currently listening to: Do you realize by The flaming Lips ]
Wow, don't you just *Love* awkward father daughter dinner moments.
My dad took me out tonight, to Walmart to pick things up for making pillows. Of course I've given up on my pillow idea, I suck at sewing.
He decided that since we were around, he would buy me dinner at McDonalds... so I agreed since I haven't eaten there in a while. I knew something was up the minute he agreed to buy me anything I asked for.
We sat down and he asked me questions about school, how things are going. You know, those kinda questions. Then he let me browse the shoes, clothes and even drove me to winners and bought me new clothes.
I think I'm scaring both my parents again, but I just had a bad day is all. I didn't even crack under the pressure, as much as I wanted to. I locked myself in the bathroom for a while and just staired at the blade, imagining how great it would feel. Instead I just curled up in a ball and layed on the floor trying to think of the reasons why I shouldn't do it.
I saw Ashley at Mcdonalds.
Somedays I really miss her, I mean she use to be one of my bestest friends, and now. I was such a horrible friend to her; I know things will never be the way they use to be. Doesn't that suck?
Man, I'm starting to depress myself again. Maybe I need a nice stiff drink, but then again, coming home like I did last night wasn't the smartest idea. Especially when I fell off the chair in the computer room, or waking up at 3am to throw up. Yep, that was the least fun moment. I so need to learn how to hold my alochol.
~*~*~
February 26, 2004 - 10:26 p.m.
[Currently listening to: I'm lost without you by Blink 182]
Today was such a long day, and I only had to go to two of my classes. I left at lunch because I had an eye appointment at 2:40 and I convinced mummy to let me leave early. She can be so cool sometimes.
We ended up going shopping before hand and I bought another super long sleeved, could almost be a dress top. It's absoultly beautiful, and I adore it. It's kinda huge on me though, and it's a medium so that makes me happy. Means I'm down into a small now, which is great because I was really feeling larger lately.
Anyway's eye appointment was nothing, I spent 20 minutes waiting to find out I still have 20/20 vision. Well yey, thanks for telling me I really didn't have to go.
Spent tonight with Andrew, on the couch, and my father actully carried on a converstation with him for about 2 seconds. I think he might actully trust Andrew, which is a good thing because they should. He's not going to do anything to hurt me, and I think both my parents are starting to see that. It's nice, I mean they go out and don't have to sit me down for 2 hours for a lecture on what not to do.
Mum made fun of him and I saying goodbye, she laughed at us. I think she trusts us most of all, and that is surprising after last time. She was so angry, and it took her a very long time to forgive me for not telling what happened when it happened. I like that we have a more open relationship now, and can talk about stuff. It's nice.
I'm helping my cousin move into her new apartment on Saturday. Should be a good time, even though she barely has any furnature. She's going to be using an old blow up couch of mine from when I was like 10 until her boyfriend brings down his couch. It's going to be intresting, and I'm sure I will laugh.
I bought the cutest teddy bear at Superstore this after noon! It's huge, and purple and has this ugly red rose thing that completely clashes and I completely fell in love. I've named him Jollyrancher, and he's my gay bear! He likes guys as much as me!
I guess there is not much else to chat about. Double off-block tomorrow. *groan* There wasn't supose to be any school! Grrrr.. I should go in pj's and sleep the whole day in protest!
.... or like not.
I still have law homework to do.. I just realized that. Oh frigger... I'm so screwed.. SHIT! English test tomorrow too! And Geo test! Oh no.. I'm *so* faking sick tomorrow!
~*~*~
February 25, 2004 - 9:46 p.m.
[Currently listening to: I miss You by Incubus]
School is getting tense, and I'm not even talking about the classes.
Sometimes I feel like I'm Survivor and I'm just waiting to see who is going to be the next person booted off "the island". And I'm sitting there, and I'm just watching to see what alliances are being made. It's driving me crazy, this wondering of what everyone is thinking, and whether there are bad thoughts about me being included. Sometimes I think no one would really care if I wasn't around, so I'm not. I go, and I find other nice people to play with, or stay in. It's a good way to get homework done, and other things I've been putting off.
Being a hermit/loner isn't that bad. It's not like anyone *really* notices when I'm not around.
I've changed the layout again, isn't it purdy. I love it!
I'm getting frustrated with my hair. I know that is a stupid topic to write about, but it's what is bothering me. I'm trying to grow my hair long, I guess to repersent a growth in my life. Whenever my hair gets to a certain point, I ALWAYS cut it short. I had shorter hair for a while last year. But now I want long hair, to repersent a new part of my life. ((the long hair part? wow that sounds completely retarted.)) But it's just not working, it's in that inbetween stage which is horrible! I look washed out, and ugly and ARG! I hate it. I want to look beautiful, and attractive, and not... like I do. No matter what I seem to do, I just can't make it work for me.
I don't want to cut it, because I will regret it so much later on.
I wish I was a TV person with a hair stylist, and a make-up artist and a closet full of designer clothing that I would only ever wear once, because I mean who wears the same outfit twice?!? And even if I was the loner/hermit person I currently am, I would still look beautiful.
Maybe that is all I want, for once to feel beautiful.
I spent all English thinking about yesterday, and how wonderful it was to be with Andrew. Just laying there with him, not thinking about anything else but that moment. It's the most amazing feeling in the world, being in the arms of the one you love. And just knowing, that nothing in the world can beat this moment. Nothing...
*you do something to me, that I can't explain.*
~*~*~
--Yesterday -- ×Parisian Adventure× --Tomorrow--